1. |
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the eyes open
the dream ends
the dream ends
the eyes open
the dream ends
the dream ends
take me under
(i want to drown)
a new beginning
(in cold water)
pull me into
(the eyes)
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2. |
reflection
06:36
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a woman lies awake on an unmade bed
she’s tried in vain to sleep and now it’s 4 a.m.
the harder she tries, the harder it gets to be
okay in this world that doesn’t want her around
the flickering streetlight outside her apartment
is the eye that’s always watching on the other side
of the glass, the creature tapping on her windowpane
she gets up and sees only her reflection in the dark
there’s nobody out there, there’s nobody out there
there’s nobody in here, there’s nobody in here
her heart is an open book, is an open palm
reach inside and you’ll find only air
only words, only a heart beating
a woman lies awake on an unmade bed
it’s 4 p.m. but she hasn’t budged yet — she feels too
sick to move, her stomach screaming for something
but getting up now is out of the question
an overcast grey filters into the room through blinds
she hasn’t dusted in weeks. her apartment is
disgusting. everything she does is disgusting to her
but doing nothing is so much worse
there’s nobody out there, there’s nobody out there
there’s nobody in here, there’s nobody in here
her heart is an open book, is an open palm
reach inside and you’ll find only air
only words, only
mirrors inside mirrors inside layers of glass inside veins full of blood and a heart full of ash inside a body that is crumbling into sand in an hourglass her clock is ticking to find out who she is — she has a list of all the people she wants to be — she has a list of all the things that she’s not, she’s not sure of anything, the uncertainty etching away all the layers until there’s nothing left of her
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3. |
a million paperclips
03:51
|
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microsoft word companion
will you bind my thoughts together
yes, i need help, i need help
but not from you
anthropomorphic stationery
stop trying to put your hands on me
you're only gonna make it worse
you know it's true
won't you leave me alone
leave me alone
won't you leave me alone
i see visions in dreams
of all the times i made mistakes
when i wake up i know it's fake
but when i'm asleep i feel the eyes
of all the people in my life
always disappointed in me
maybe i've asked for a little too much
maybe i'll never find what i'm after
it's always just out of reach
and you're not helping
and in my wildest dreams i'm dead
i'm always trying so hard to fit in
i'm putting on mask after mask
after mask after mask after mask after mask...
won't you leave me alone
(after mask after mask after)
leave me alone
(after mask after — aaaaah)
won't you leave me alone
i see visions in dreams
of all the times i made mistakes
when i wake up i know it's fake
but when i'm asleep i feel the eyes
of all the people in my life
always disappointed in me
this bitch is making bad decisions like it’s the correct — like, like, like — like that’s the correct thing for her to do. like — like, this bitch is making bad decisions like — like she’s gonna make money off of them, like. this bitch is making bad decisions because she thinks that they’re funny and doesn’t fucking know how to cope with the things that are going on in her life. like, this bitch is making bad decisions like her life fucking depends on it, but like, in the opposite way, where like her life depends on the good decisions and she’s doing the bad ones on purpose.
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4. |
nauseaquest
03:37
|
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can’t get out of bed
my body won’t let me
it’s been three whole days
and i haven’t slept at all
everything i do to cope
makes me feel sick
doesn't matter what it is
nothing sticks
except the burning in my stomach
every time i try to feel okay
my heart's not where it's supposed to be
the vomit won't come out
a fist-sized object blocks the conduit
my body doesn't work
nausea — that's all
nausea and dull pain
i want to put my fist
into the blender
just to see something that'll make me feel
afraid enough to throw up
every time i catch my face in mirrors
makes me wish i couldn’t see
i only want to make crimson spiderwebs
on all the mirrors in my apartment
nausea is tearing at the parts of me
i can’t control
nausea is filling me with smoke
it’s pouring out my mouth
nausea is scratching on the glass
my ears are bleeding
nausea is everything at once
i need it all to stop
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5. |
no reflection
05:07
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is there a soul inside my body
or is it just a collection of things
i find myself taking notes
on people who i want to be
can i dive inside myself and find
someone inside that ball of mirrors
my younger self won't have the answers
i left her lying in the sand
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6. |
dream eater
09:36
|
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fall awake from a nightmare
already don't remember
i saw a vision, a premonition
i shouldn't believe everything i see
---
my eyes are shining and my head is empty
i had a dream and i wish it wasn't real
familiar scenes on a green screen projected
on the inside of my skull. my eyes are closed.
i'm dreaming and my eyes are closed but i'm awake
i'm so awake. i'm so very awake.
this is the place i visit when i am nowhere,
when i am nothing, when i am collapsing
down to a point. when i have nowhere else to go
i go there. when i have nothing
i have that. i have the space of dreams
and visions and nightmares and when i have
no other home that is my home,
in the hole where the optic nerve leads to the brain
where charon drags images from my eyes down
into my throat where they are discarded
and the creature on the surface makes up its own
tv shows and radio plays and fantasies, oblivious to the world
---
i see visions in dreams.
the nightmares are the ones we wake up to
where we have less control than in our lucid dreams —
they leave us exhausted.
our circumstances speak for themselves.
our bodies speak for themselves.
i feel so gross writing poetry to be spoken
over music, because i am proving that
my music does not speak for itself.
i can only speak on top of it, my words falling
like oil leaking from a car onto a wet road.
i want to set these words aflame and watch them
burn, disperse, but i don't have the ability.
i don't trust my voice to speak for me.
i don't trust my words to be spoken.
i don't trust my melodies to carry my words.
my voice is wrong. no matter how much i work on it, i'll never sound how i want to sound.
my vocal chords are wrong.
i try to sing but i succumb to the inevitability that it will never sound right.
i delete the recording.
i close the logic file.
i go to bed.
and in my dreams my larynx lets me sound
how i should. in my dreams i am empowered
to speak for myself. i don't have to jump through any hoops,
it's just there. it's just right by default.
i look how i should. i sound how i should.
it's easy and it's natural and i don't have to work for it.
it's normal and i don't have to put effort into how i sound because it's normal.
i'm normal and i'm happy and i know i'm dreaming
because i'm happy and i'm normal.
it's not fake. it's the truth but only then.
only then and and only forever because
i don't have to wake up. i don't have to wake up.
i don't have to do anything.
i don't have to take melatonin before i go to bed.
i'm always tired enough to sleep.
it's never hard. my body knows what it wants.
i close the logic file. the music keeps playing.
i'm in a high school bathroom.
i try to fit on the toilet. it's a weird shape
and i piss but when i'm done i still have to piss.
"oh," i think to myself, and everyone can hear it,
"i must be dreaming," so with effort
i wake myself up so i don't wet the bed
and fumble my way to the bathroom in the dark.
normal. normal. this is normal.
this is a recurring dream.
this is a recurring dream
and there's something wrong with me
but when i'm asleep i'm normal. when i'm dreaming
i can be normal. i'm normal.
i don't have to wake up.
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7. |
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i was speeding down the highway
windows down, headed for the beach
the sun was red and it was rising
let my regrets fall beneath the wheels
i was thinking about your letter
how it looked like you were shaking
waves of longing in warm weather
now every wave is breaking
meet me there
we’ll watch the sky fall
meet me there
it’s all the same now
meet me there
we’ll watch the clouds fade
meet me there
it’s all the same now
last time i saw your face was gleaming
reflecting flames lapping out your window
your tears like crystal mirrors burning
i only wish i could’ve saved you
now all i have of you
is what you wrote to me
meet me there
we’ll watch the sky fall
meet me there
it’s all the same now
meet me there
what else is there to do
meet me there...
meet me there
we’ll watch the sky fall
meet me there
it’s all the same now
meet me there
we’ll watch the clouds fade
meet me there
it’s all the same now
meet me there
we’ll watch the sky fall
meet me there
meet me there
i’ll try to find you
meet me there
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8. |
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(instrumental)
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vivi mouse Atlanta, Georgia
sleepy soul. trans lesbian trainwreck.
shoutouts to under the couch.
for commission info, email me at vivian@vivimouse.com.
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