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dream eater

by vivi mouse

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1.
the eyes open the dream ends the dream ends the eyes open the dream ends the dream ends take me under (i want to drown) a new beginning (in cold water) pull me into (the eyes)
2.
reflection 06:36
a woman lies awake on an unmade bed she’s tried in vain to sleep and now it’s 4 a.m. the harder she tries, the harder it gets to be okay in this world that doesn’t want her around the flickering streetlight outside her apartment is the eye that’s always watching on the other side of the glass, the creature tapping on her windowpane she gets up and sees only her reflection in the dark there’s nobody out there, there’s nobody out there there’s nobody in here, there’s nobody in here her heart is an open book, is an open palm reach inside and you’ll find only air only words, only a heart beating a woman lies awake on an unmade bed it’s 4 p.m. but she hasn’t budged yet — she feels too sick to move, her stomach screaming for something but getting up now is out of the question an overcast grey filters into the room through blinds she hasn’t dusted in weeks. her apartment is disgusting. everything she does is disgusting to her but doing nothing is so much worse there’s nobody out there, there’s nobody out there there’s nobody in here, there’s nobody in here her heart is an open book, is an open palm reach inside and you’ll find only air only words, only mirrors inside mirrors inside layers of glass inside veins full of blood and a heart full of ash inside a body that is crumbling into sand in an hourglass her clock is ticking to find out who she is — she has a list of all the people she wants to be — she has a list of all the things that she’s not, she’s not sure of anything, the uncertainty etching away all the layers until there’s nothing left of her
3.
microsoft word companion will you bind my thoughts together yes, i need help, i need help but not from you anthropomorphic stationery stop trying to put your hands on me you're only gonna make it worse you know it's true won't you leave me alone leave me alone won't you leave me alone i see visions in dreams of all the times i made mistakes when i wake up i know it's fake but when i'm asleep i feel the eyes of all the people in my life always disappointed in me maybe i've asked for a little too much maybe i'll never find what i'm after it's always just out of reach and you're not helping and in my wildest dreams i'm dead i'm always trying so hard to fit in i'm putting on mask after mask after mask after mask after mask after mask... won't you leave me alone (after mask after mask after) leave me alone (after mask after — aaaaah) won't you leave me alone i see visions in dreams of all the times i made mistakes when i wake up i know it's fake but when i'm asleep i feel the eyes of all the people in my life always disappointed in me this bitch is making bad decisions like it’s the correct — like, like, like — like that’s the correct thing for her to do. like — like, this bitch is making bad decisions like — like she’s gonna make money off of them, like. this bitch is making bad decisions because she thinks that they’re funny and doesn’t fucking know how to cope with the things that are going on in her life. like, this bitch is making bad decisions like her life fucking depends on it, but like, in the opposite way, where like her life depends on the good decisions and she’s doing the bad ones on purpose.
4.
nauseaquest 03:37
can’t get out of bed my body won’t let me it’s been three whole days and i haven’t slept at all everything i do to cope makes me feel sick doesn't matter what it is nothing sticks except the burning in my stomach every time i try to feel okay my heart's not where it's supposed to be the vomit won't come out a fist-sized object blocks the conduit my body doesn't work nausea — that's all nausea and dull pain i want to put my fist into the blender just to see something that'll make me feel afraid enough to throw up every time i catch my face in mirrors makes me wish i couldn’t see i only want to make crimson spiderwebs on all the mirrors in my apartment nausea is tearing at the parts of me i can’t control nausea is filling me with smoke it’s pouring out my mouth nausea is scratching on the glass my ears are bleeding nausea is everything at once i need it all to stop
5.
is there a soul inside my body or is it just a collection of things i find myself taking notes on people who i want to be can i dive inside myself and find someone inside that ball of mirrors my younger self won't have the answers i left her lying in the sand
6.
dream eater 09:36
fall awake from a nightmare already don't remember i saw a vision, a premonition i shouldn't believe everything i see --- my eyes are shining and my head is empty i had a dream and i wish it wasn't real familiar scenes on a green screen projected on the inside of my skull. my eyes are closed. i'm dreaming and my eyes are closed but i'm awake i'm so awake. i'm so very awake. this is the place i visit when i am nowhere, when i am nothing, when i am collapsing down to a point. when i have nowhere else to go i go there. when i have nothing i have that. i have the space of dreams and visions and nightmares and when i have no other home that is my home, in the hole where the optic nerve leads to the brain where charon drags images from my eyes down into my throat where they are discarded and the creature on the surface makes up its own tv shows and radio plays and fantasies, oblivious to the world --- i see visions in dreams. the nightmares are the ones we wake up to where we have less control than in our lucid dreams — they leave us exhausted. our circumstances speak for themselves. our bodies speak for themselves. i feel so gross writing poetry to be spoken over music, because i am proving that my music does not speak for itself. i can only speak on top of it, my words falling like oil leaking from a car onto a wet road. i want to set these words aflame and watch them burn, disperse, but i don't have the ability. i don't trust my voice to speak for me. i don't trust my words to be spoken. i don't trust my melodies to carry my words. my voice is wrong. no matter how much i work on it, i'll never sound how i want to sound. my vocal chords are wrong. i try to sing but i succumb to the inevitability that it will never sound right. i delete the recording. i close the logic file. i go to bed. and in my dreams my larynx lets me sound how i should. in my dreams i am empowered to speak for myself. i don't have to jump through any hoops, it's just there. it's just right by default. i look how i should. i sound how i should. it's easy and it's natural and i don't have to work for it. it's normal and i don't have to put effort into how i sound because it's normal. i'm normal and i'm happy and i know i'm dreaming because i'm happy and i'm normal. it's not fake. it's the truth but only then. only then and and only forever because i don't have to wake up. i don't have to wake up. i don't have to do anything. i don't have to take melatonin before i go to bed. i'm always tired enough to sleep. it's never hard. my body knows what it wants. i close the logic file. the music keeps playing. i'm in a high school bathroom. i try to fit on the toilet. it's a weird shape and i piss but when i'm done i still have to piss. "oh," i think to myself, and everyone can hear it, "i must be dreaming," so with effort i wake myself up so i don't wet the bed and fumble my way to the bathroom in the dark. normal. normal. this is normal. this is a recurring dream. this is a recurring dream and there's something wrong with me but when i'm asleep i'm normal. when i'm dreaming i can be normal. i'm normal. i don't have to wake up.
7.
i was speeding down the highway windows down, headed for the beach the sun was red and it was rising let my regrets fall beneath the wheels i was thinking about your letter how it looked like you were shaking waves of longing in warm weather now every wave is breaking meet me there we’ll watch the sky fall meet me there it’s all the same now meet me there we’ll watch the clouds fade meet me there it’s all the same now last time i saw your face was gleaming reflecting flames lapping out your window your tears like crystal mirrors burning i only wish i could’ve saved you now all i have of you is what you wrote to me meet me there we’ll watch the sky fall meet me there it’s all the same now meet me there what else is there to do meet me there... meet me there we’ll watch the sky fall meet me there it’s all the same now meet me there we’ll watch the clouds fade meet me there it’s all the same now meet me there we’ll watch the sky fall meet me there meet me there i’ll try to find you meet me there
8.
(instrumental)

about

music for the last 2 years. it's gonna be okay.

before you ask, yeah, it's about being trans. and other shit too.

credits

released August 13, 2021

recorded by merritt treaster at communal sound.

album art by jed paz.

inspiration and various plugins by sam holtzen.

special thank you to amanda.

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

vivi mouse Atlanta, Georgia

sleepy soul. trans lesbian trainwreck.
shoutouts to under the couch.

for commission info, email me at vivian@vivimouse.com.

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